just a jumbled mess of thoughts

i went for a walk tonight & this time i didn't bring my headphones

i had a matchbook in my hands, i like lighting the matches until the flame melts too close to my fingers, then i throw them on the ground

the sidewalk was glittering under the blinking streetlights & the houses looked lonely
please give me a call

i looked up at the sky to find neptune or mars or maybe even saturn but there were only clouds
it is raining, the earth is crying, god is crying, i am crying
i wish i wasn't crying

i walked past the place i skinned my knee learning how to skateboard, i chose bandaids over knee pads & now i have a purple scar

i walked through the field where my neighbor plays fetch with his dog, i can sometimes see them outside my bedroom window, it makes me smile to see them happy

i walked by the flower patch where frankie picked me daisies, now they are dried & dead but i still keep them on my dresser

i walked under the streetlight where you parked your car & played me your favorite album
i'm sorry i couldn't share mine, i just like too many

i sat down on the curb & dug a rock into my skin until i started to bleed
i don't know why i did that
i'm okay i promise

i had a dream about you once,
you were in the morgue & i was not, i woke up crying & needed your voice to tell me it wasn't real, but i didn't want to wake you, so i never called, & i never told you about that

& i'm sorry

you were hurting so i drove to your house once,
it was late but your bedroom light was on. i got scared you wouldn't want to see me, so i never left my car, & i never told you about that

& i'm sorry

you wrote me a letter once,
i opened it on a day when my tired eyes were all anyone could see , i wanted to send you an envelope of love back, but you never scribbled in a return address, so i never replied, & i never told you about that

& i'm sorry

i like the scar on your elbow that's purple like mine

i like the poems you write, even the ones you erased

i like when we swap secrets 

i like how your nose scrunches up when you laugh

i like how you only listen to mix tapes in your car 

i like your voice at midnight & you told me you liked mine too

i like it best when you're around

my mom just called me, i've been gone for a long time, it's cold outside, dad is coming home, we're going to have dinner like a real family
it's been awhile

i saw all my burnt matches on the wet asphalt & felt bad for littering, so i picked them all up

something tells me i will be late for dinner
but something tells me that's okay

please take care of yourself, i love you