apartment 204, room e

i go on lots of walks now, sometimes 12 miles a day

sometimes right in the morning,

sometimes right before bed,

but always when my apartment has become too much much

sometimes i bring my paints 

& sometimes i don't,

but i always begin listening to the two same songs 

( fancy shoes by the walters & shut up & kiss me by angel olsen )

there's a boy down the road who says he wants to hold my hand, 

but im not sure if i really believe him 

( & maybe im scared of getting bad again too )

he's cute & i like his lucky jacket & his eyes look like the ivy that grows in my neighborhood,

but he sent me a text two days ago & i still don't know how to respond 

i don't eat very often now, 

mostly because it's hard to leave my bed, but partly because i don't know how im going to pay for groceries this week,

( i don't tell my mom because dad already works three jobs & i want to do this myself )

i only have four dollars, 

but im saving those for altoids & bubblegum & maybe a grape soda for when im missing kobie

i found my favorite place last week, 

it's an underpass ( i peed there once ) 

& theres graffiti all over but i find it all very beautiful 

everyday i write "take it easy" on my left thigh & it reminds me to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone i love

yesterday a butterfly landed on the tip of my nose & you were the first person i thought to tell

i wasn't planning on writing about you today, love is funny that way isn't it ?

im sad of the person i was

& sad of the person i maybe still am

but you make me less sad

when your fingertips touch my kneecaps

& when we cried at the laundromat

im not sure what i will be doing next year or hell, what im doing tomorrow night

but i do know you make me happy 

& im trying to be happy, i really, really am

( written in aisle 7 of the walmart supercenter, september 10 )