all my friends are drunk & i'm at a party writing a sad poem that doesn't make any sense

last night i wrote a poem in my blood
i titled it "a not so perfect sonnet"
& all it said was that i am sorry

i'm sorry your dad yells lots & i'm sorry that boy kissed you then never called & i'm sorry the weather is bad sometimes & i'm sorry i like sad music & i'm sorry you don't

i'm sorry the necklace your dead sister gave you broke & i'm sorry your sister is dead & i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry

i told zac i would call him the next time, but i didn't, & i'm sorry
at first it was eleven, next was fourteen, then everything said take it easy

i never told dave how some days i feel hollow all the way down to my fingertips or how my hair falls out in clumps sometimes or why the only reason i'm still here is because of the thought of my mother's face when she hears the news or how my high school teachers might not ever even hear the news or how i don't want all these poems to become tombstones



( everyone / hurts / sometimes )



this poem is written in my blood & it's not a very good poem
is this how christ felt when he was in the garden ?
i can't think about an after life, i'm just trying to make it through today

tell christ to not spill his blood for me,
i'm tired of all the messes

savanna & i went to a poetry slam & a boy got up & talked about a self destruction button & how his hand is always touching the button but how he is not pressing the button & everyone else should fight like hell to not touch the button

i wish i could remember that boys name

i've been getting bad again
but i'm happy i haven't pressed the button
because then the drunk man wouldn't have told me to sleep sweetly
& i never would have cried when conor sang breezy
& i never would have learned that black sweaters can be just as beautiful as blue

i want this life to surround me

i want to always be twisting & turning & spinning & swirling

i want this world to collide, collapse, & complete me

i want to feel, but not feel too much

i want to hurt & giggle & cry & i want my mouth to curl into smiles & get butterflies in my tummy & have goosebumps & blush when i'm embarrassed & i want to love & to be loved

hallelujah for the hurt, hallelujah for the joy
hallelujah for the sunshine & for the rain ( they both make everything grow )
hallelujah for you, & hallelujah for me
hallelujah to it all