i need you, a cigarette, & a really long sleep please

tell saint dymphna i need her,
take me to her hospice
take me to her cathedral
i just need to get away for awhile

i'm convinced shiva lives inside me
smashes bottles against the walls in my lungs
he breaks ribs & cracks kneecaps
makes my hands shake extra on nights like these

i used to dig my fingernails into my skin
now i make blurry lines on my leg
they look like match sticks stacked all nice & neat

tell my mom i love her
tell colby to take a pretty girl to alaska
tell jayada to laugh a lot & to kiss gabe a little

i don't think i believe in heaven or nirvana or moksha or hell,
but sometimes i catch myself praying aloud

i only smoke cigarettes when i'm drunk
i'm closing the window, letting the shock roll over in a tidal wave

normal people don't draft suicide notes in their heads
over
&
over
&
over
again